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America, Seen Through the Eyes of Martians

I’m being stupid, but if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to go into the world of imagination for a while. Not “that” type of fantasy, but rather looking at the world through the eyes of a Martian.

Imagine that we are explorers from Mars who have been sent to Washington, D.C. in the year 2023, disguised as humans.

What kinds of conclusions might we reach about American politics if we were to approach the topic with a blank slate, knowing virtually nothing about the political system?

It would be instantly clear to us that there are ostensible “two sides” to the argument, the veracity of which is up to discussion, and that these “sides” are symbolized by different colors and animals: either red or blue, an elephant or a donkey.

There are also a few fringe groups who violently disagree with both the reds and the blues. These sects are ostracized as a result of the lunacy of their philosophical beliefs.

Therefore, these are the two viable choices to consider. In all honesty, third or fourth candidates are not permitted to run for office. Either they have “no chance of winning” or there is a worry that the third party will draw votes away from candidates who are seen to be “genuine.”

It would seem that the red and the blue genuinely despise one another, but in reality, they are just two sides of the same coin. They are constantly in line to keep out the periphery, and as a result, they share some similar interests.

After then, a turn for the better may be expected…

They share an adversary that is arguably more formidable: the media. It is often believed that the media reports on the actions of both parties in order to get more advertising revenue.

“The Media” asserts that it is objective, yet this is not the case in reality. They are faithful to whoever is in authority as well as to the proprietor of the news organization.

What makes this discovery even more thrilling for us explorers is the realization that the two opposing factions share many more adversaries.

Prostitutes. Recently, Louisiana Senator David Vitters, who pays an awful lot of lip attention to abstinence-only sex education, was named as a customer by both the DC madam and the Canal Street Madam. Vitters gives an awful lot of lip service to the idea that only abstinence is acceptable in sexual education.

young men of any age. Uh oh. After it came to light that US Representative Mark Foley had a bit of a taste for Congressional pages, he went from being a warrior against child abuse and exploitation to become a child abuser and exploiter.

Women. To be more specific, wanton ladies. At one point in time, the lady was seen wearing a blue outfit. He loved cigars. . . . At least Bill Clinton had the good judgment to verify that the lady was above the age of consent before having sexual relations with her.

Other notable adversaries include the following:

Homosexuality is kept hidden. In recent times, this problem has been affecting a significant number of individuals. The case of Larry Craig and the incident with the foot tapping also comes to mind (“misunderstanding”). And Jim McGreevey, the Democratic candidate for governor of New Jersey. At least he’s not locked up anymore in the storage room.

Extramarital affairs. The list is far too extensive. And to be really honest, does anybody actually care about this problem any longer?

Women who do not want to have their privates grabbed (CA Gov. Terminator).

There are a plethora of more adversaries. Marion Barry’s crack cocaine, voting fraud, and so on and so on and so on. In point of fact, voter fraud only presents an issue for the candidate who ultimately comes out on the losing end of the election.

They seem to want to create all the rules and then violate them, regardless of whether they are blue, red, elephants, or donkeys.

Due to the nature of our study as Martian anthropologists, we are forced to the conclusion that prospective political candidates are required to have either a history of perversion or a criminal record.

We’d also have to come to the conclusion that the average person, the ones who vote (or don’t vote), has such a limited attention span that it doesn’t actually make that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things. It’s football season, there’s a new season of “The Biggest Loser,” and it’s almost time for the kids to go back to school, which means they need new bags. And before you know it, it’s that time of year again: the holidays.

Taking a little excursion into this itty-bitty dream realm might provide us with new insights on occasion. It’s all about how you frame it. Taking a fresh look at everything in life.

Try it out with both your life and your ability to convince others. See how it goes. Share your thoughts with others, and feel free to share them with me here on my blog. Start a conversation, and then invite your family, neighbors, and coworkers to join you here for the conversation. The Lord understands that every once in a while we need to take a breather from the insanity that surrounds us and have a rational conversation with one another about what we see.

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