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Slovak Prime Minister’s Clairvoyance: ‘New World Order Will Try to Off Me’

Slovak Prime Minister Robert Fico, a man of undeniable foresight and possibly a crystal ball, predicted his own assassination attempt a month before it happened. Yes, you read that right. Fico foresaw that the ‘New World Order’—those shadowy puppet masters allegedly pulling the strings of our global society—would come for him. And, lo and behold, he was shot just last week. You have to wonder if he also saw who took the last doughnut in the break room.

The Prophetic Prime Minister

In a display of Nostradamus-like prescience, Prime Minister Fico warned that his outspoken opposition to the World Economic Forum (WEF) might lead to his untimely demise. Now, it’s not every day that a sitting prime minister predicts his own murder, but Fico did it with the kind of confidence usually reserved for weathermen in Los Angeles predicting sunshine.

Blame Game: Media on the Hot Seat

During a recorded message, Fico didn’t just stop at the WEF. No, he turned his gaze to the mainstream media, accusing them of wanting him dead as well. He made it clear that this wasn’t some over-the-top conspiracy theory. “I am not exaggerating by a millimeter,” he declared, perhaps while standing next to a giant ruler for emphasis.

Ľuboš Blaha’s Fiery Rebuke

The Slovak government, apparently not content with subtlety, came out swinging. Ľuboš Blaha, the deputy speaker of the Slovak parliament, delivered a blistering condemnation of the opposition and left-wing media. “You have made us all targets,” he roared, possibly while pounding a lectern for dramatic effect.

“You have spread a haunting hatred for years. You hated that people elected us so much that you went after us like wild animals. These are the fruits of your labor. The prime minister is fighting for his life because of you,” Blaha asserted, adding an extra layer of guilt to the media’s already heavy burden.

Minister Eštok’s Plea for Sanity

The country’s interior minister, Matúš Šutaj Eštok, joined the chorus of criticism, asking everyone to cool it with the hate speech. “I am asking all of you to stop piling on the attacks and expressions of hatred that are directed at one political camp or another,” he implored, like a parent trying to mediate a playground squabble. “From what was unleashed and many of you sowed, a storm arose today. And we are slowly standing on the threshold of civil war.” Strong words, but hey, it’s not every day you stand on such a dramatic threshold.

The Assassin: A Tale of Political Irony

The gunman, identified as Juraj Cintula, turned out to be a far-left activist and member of the socially liberal “Progressive Slovakia” party. A video of him post-shooting reportedly shows him ranting about government policies, because what’s an assassination attempt without a good political rant?

Sky News in the Crosshairs

British broadcaster Sky News found itself in hot water, accused of semi-justifying the assassination attempt by pointing out that Fico is a populist and “very pro-Russian.” They noted that it’s “not surprising” someone would take a shot at him, which, in terms of victim-blaming, is right up there with, “Well, he did walk into a dark alley at midnight.”

Fico’s Future: Stable and Expected to Survive

Despite the dramatic prediction and subsequent shooting, Prime Minister Fico is in stable condition following an operation. According to Deputy Prime Minister Tomas Taraba, Fico is expected to survive. So, for now, Fico lives to predict another day. Perhaps his next forecast will involve a less perilous fate, like an unexpectedly rainy summer.

In the meantime, the world watches, half in shock and half in bemused disbelief, as Slovakian politics continues to play out like a season of a particularly dramatic reality TV show. One thing’s for sure: Fico’s next prediction will have us all on the edge of our seats.

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