The U.S. Government, in its infinite wisdom, has decreed that preferred pronouns must now reign supreme within the hallowed halls of American workplaces.

Dictated Diversity: The Iron Fist of Pronouns

In a move hailed as the epitome of modern progress and hailed by some as the pinnacle of political correctness, the mandate seeks to obliterate any semblance of free speech in the name of combating ‘discrimination’ against transgender individuals, all under the auspices of the 1964 Civil Rights Act.

Bureaucratic Bungling: The Pronoun Policing Begins

Effective immediately, failure to adhere to an individual’s non-binary pronouns will mark you as the latest target of workplace discrimination under this Orwellian act.

Big Brother’s Blessing: The EEOC’s Pronoun Pantomime

This edict, straight from the annals of bureaucratic brilliance, was bestowed upon us by none other than the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), who decided it was high time to update their workplace guidelines to reflect both legal precedent and the whims of social fashion.

Unveiling the Absurdity: The EEOC’s Gender Grammar Guidelines

Their 189-page document, a veritable tome of linguistic lunacy, outlines with painstaking detail the dos and don’ts of gender pronoun usage. According to their gospel, misgendering must now be deliberate and repeated, leaving no room for the innocent slip of the tongue.

Flushed Away: The Bathroom Battle

But wait, there’s more! The EEOC, in their infinite wisdom, has also ruled that denying a transgender individual access to their preferred bathroom is tantamount to heresy. Yes, you heard that right – even if it means trampling on the privacy of other employees or igniting a holy war of religious convictions.

Political Posturing: The Vote that Divided a Nation

This decree, akin to a slapstick comedy performed on the political stage, was ushered in by a narrow 3-2 vote along party lines, after the investigatory panel sifted through a mountain of some 37,000 public comments. Truly, a testament to democracy at its finest.

The Crown Jewel of Queer Theory: From Academia to Absurdity

And so, with a stroke of bureaucratic brilliance, queer theory – that darling of the academic elite – has now taken its rightful place in the annals of U.S. law. In the bluest and most urban corners of the nation, where the air is thick with the scent of progressivism, pronouns now reign supreme, and woe betide anyone who dares to utter a ‘he’ when a ‘they’ is demanded.

Conclusion: The Triumph of Absurdity

In the end, dear reader, we find ourselves at a crossroads of linguistic lunacy and bureaucratic buffoonery. As the EEOC proudly pats itself on the back for its bold stance against the tyranny of traditional grammar, one can’t help but wonder – have we reached peak absurdity, or is there still further to fall? Only time will tell.

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